the beginning of discovery?

even though i have a feeling no one is reading this... here are some thoughts tonight:
i'm freaking out because my life is just zooming in fast forward and i feel like there is this little or shall i say BIG force constantly pushing me forward and is like "come on, gentry move it!!!" and i just want to turn around and slap this "force" upside the head and be like "hold on honey give me a freakin minute i'm thinking!"
whew. so yeah. life is just really picking up speed. i've starting picking up strange insecurities recently too, like my strange growth spurt and rapid weight gain. i mean, who goes from a size 0 to 4 in a matter of months? this is where i would "hash tag # whitegirlproblems. this is what i have wanted my entire life! weight gain...growing up i just felt so gangly and awkward and being called names or being picked on was just...not fun. and now that i am finally growing into my body as a woman i'm like whoaaa hello curves! it's just making me view my body in so many different ways and looking in the mirror, do i love what i see? who wakes up in the morning, looks in the mirror and says "i love my freakin body!" and this got me thinking, about body image. in today's fast paced media driven world, we are constantly looking at others "perfect" model bodies.  the show "toddlers and tiaras" had me watching for almost 5 hours straight. terrifying, mesmerizing. jaw dropping. hilarious. then just plain....scary. these 5 year olds are transformed into what? is that how women are viewed? do we have to have the spray tan, perfect curled locks, sequins and sparkles (wait i LOVE sequins and sparkles)  flaunting our appearance.  no wonder so many of us have body image issues, we are all staring at each other comparing each other. but sometimes i think nowadays, my biggest judge is myself.  i critique and give myself ratings and most of the time i put on make up because i want to feel better about myself and hardly ever leave the house without it on. whew that was a confession.
at the end of the day, am i happy? can i go to sleep not thinking about how i want to sculpt my body or dream of having bronzed skin (i'm scottish/german, that will NEVER happen) or having perfect complexion or not stressing about acne. these little things, but they CONSUME my mind sometimes. and it makes me wonder. what caused these feelings? what is the root of this? i am a healthy 22 year old woman with 10 fingers and 10 toes...but why is it that i want more. i want to be better.  one thing i am thankful for is i did not go through with getting a "boob job" when i turned 18.  that was my goal when i was 15. i wasn't excited that i would be able to vote, but i was excited that i could get a "boob job." ew. i like being able to wear shirts without a bra or go running without having to worry about things flopping around. my butt on the other hand...  ha ha

P.S. sorry about the grammar, writing style, pretty much everything about the way i write. things just flow out of my head and i have to write what comes out!

Also, comments are appreciated! whether they are your own insecurities, stories of getting bullied, rants, problems you name it. i'd like to hear it. i'm working on a solo performance about body image and i want more voices to be heard.